It’s with great pride that I present my live band. We’re busy practicing songs from WAIFU, Robots!, and a few covers. You can listen to everything I’ve done on soundcloud, and buy WAIFU here (which I’ve also given the artwork it deserves).
I toured, and (mostly) everything that goes with it, rocked the stage and met some of my heroes along the way. During the last couple of years of my last band and the year after, I stared into the abyss and unknowingly brought back a dragon I had to fight for it had got so large (ever watch “The Babadook”? Kinda like that, but my own version). Some serious introspection (reading) gave me the sword and shield to deal with it.
Now, I seek one more live adventure with a little help from my band of merry friends (which is why I can’t just call us “RADUTRON”) and I got to say, I’m grateful, and we’re sounding great and having fun.
If this candle burns quickly, it shall burn brightly…
Stayed tuned for a show announcement.
It’s like “retrospect” but RAD!
Here’s a list of things that I’m grateful for that happened in 2017 (in no order):
- The release of WAIFU, and tracks “Robots!”, and “85,15”.
- Paid off my student loans after 9 years!
- Made new friends in Toronto.
- I was a groomsman at my buddy’s wedding.
- Celebrated 25 years of friendship with my best friend.
- I saw Bat Out Of Hell: The Musical with my best friend, and my lady.
- Celebrated my 10th anniversary with my lady.
It was a damn good year for me, personally. 2018 will have less debt, and more love and creativity coming out of me. I’m also looking forward to getting RADUTRON on stage this year! Woo!
I had a dream last night that Jordan Peterson was having a contest that he would tattoo people who won. I won a spot and Peterson was to tattoo “Ecce Homo” (his choosing) on me but I declined because the design was so terrible.
Ever since being done with The Rabid Whole, I’ve had a long way of figuring out who I am, and accepting certain aspects. Sometime last fall I learned of an Ontario-based professor named Jordan B Petersen. I’ve watched countless bite-sized videos of his lectures, and was glad to listen to his (currently) two appearances on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast.
In those podcast episodes Petersen said that he’s heavily influenced by the works of Dr. Carl G. Jung, and philosopher Frederick Nietzche. I decided I had to start reading their works, and I just recently finished reading Jung’s book “Man and His Symbols” (also written by Jung’s associates who dive deeper and expand on Jung’s theology of dreams which are the focus of the book).
“Man and His Symbols” is most definitely one of the most important books I have ever read in my life! I encourage you to read this book and come to your own conclusions (it’s only $11 CAD).
I’m dreadfully sorry if higher intellectuals find this too simplified, or if I misinterpreted anything. Please leave a comment if I’m wrong about any of the following. Here’s the big takeaways:
- Our messages from God come in the form of symbols created by our subconscious in the way of dreams.
- We are all God, and can be in touch with Him (ourselves, or as Jung calls it the Self) if we learn to listen to our dreams and what they are telling us. Each object, person, and setting are unique to the dreamer.
- The rational mind has killed any appreciation and spiritual connection to one’s Self. In a world of materialism, I can’t agree more. It’s literally soul sucking.
- Dark imagery in dreams are reflections of the “shadow self”, a version of the subconscious that is trying to tell us something. Something that we can use to better ourselves, if we can just stop running away from it. This is true even if it breeds real criminals!
- People who project things onto other people are just reflecting their own issues or beliefs. I never really understood this as much as I do now.
Thinking of symbols I’ve thought about religion, mainly Christianity since that’s a mainstay story in North American culture. I’ve learned years ago that the Bible is nothing but just metaphors, but I never thought about WHAT they were of.
The greatest story ever told is probably the greatest dream ever conceived (the archetype of the hero’s journey). In that case, Jesus’ death and resurrection is a story of letting go of a version of yourself and becoming something new. This is a story everyone can understand and actually live by instead of thinking that Jesus/God is someone or a status they can never be.
Also, hell is probably just a personal one. The TV show “Preacher” does an interesting take on this idea as all prisoners of hell have to relive their worst memories over and over again.
Jung has a quote that says “Unless you make the subconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” This is to me is synonymous with “God has a plan”.
If people can unlock their true potential of being, I thought if good and evil really do exist or if its just a point of view. From what I gather I’ll get a better idea once I start reading Nietzche…
Even typing this now I think of some of the imagery I’ve seen while floating in a sensory deprivation tank, and the symbol I designed and got tattooed on my arm! Things I’ll need to ponder for sure. Hell, even that Guardians Of The Galaxy dream I had a couple of months ago. Are dreams our own verses and stories for our own personal bible? Man, oh man!
Anyways, I’m really interested in this kind of reverse engineering of myself, and after reading this book I feel like a real living being. My next sought after Jung book is “Jung and The Active Imagination” where Jung found himself depressed in a certain part of his life and looked to his childhood to find what it was that he was missing.
I really feel like I’m shedding a version of myself recently, and growing into something new. I realize my abilities for empathy and understanding, and it really rips the fear out of anything that I have. It’s also been fertilizer for ideas I have creatively that I just can’t wait to share with the world.
Dear reader, I urge you find the new religion. The religion of you.
No jokes. I just had this dream and had to write this down at 5:30am!
The line between the Guardians characters and the cast was blurred. The lines between me being a fan, a cast member, and the character I was playing was blurred.
I went to the theater to watch the 2nd to 3rd act of the movie and it was pretty x-rated in the most comical way possible. I won’t go into details.
Anyway, next thing I know the cast are all jumping into an appointment they have for a photo shoot in the most epic way possible together. I’m a cast member (whoever I’m playing as) and I jump and glide along side Michael Rooker on a motorcycle who is on my right, and he turns and smiles with the friendliest *yeah, let’s go!* smile you can think up.
We’re all in a desert when this is happening and end up in the driveway of some Hollywood house for the photo shoot which is taking place on the roof of the garage (the edge of the garage and our backs facing the yard).
We all end up in poses like we’re playing Twister. Dave Bautista ends up with his butt in my face. I say: “Well, at least it’s not anything else…”. Everyone laughs. Particularly, Nebula (Karen Gillan is the only one in full make-up).
Next thing we know we get abducted and sent to some weird alien reality show where the premise is we are in cages and the galaxy (?) watches us slowly go crazy because rescue is near impossible. Nebula and I are looking at each other very worried and in tears.
She tells me she has a plan to get out, and not to worry anymore. The rest of the dream is me trying to escape with everyone (checking exits, talking with fellow Guardians/prisoners) as I check in with Nebula, whose plan was to slowly turn into a weeabo (an anime fan), and make vlogs. She has gone insane, and I’m as devastated as anyone with a messiah complex can be.
“Poor Nebb…What have they done?”
I wake up.
I can’t pretend anymore.
Due to the messages, and comments I’ve been getting about The Rabid Whole either playing shows or doing things in Toronto or beyond, I have to say that TRW is currently defunct.
Since it’s ultimately Andreas’ baby, it’s his choice to continue or not.
You can probably guess why. Being in a band is expensive, and being in an ambitious band like TRW can be very expensive. I’m not here to whine, but there’s a line you eventually have to draw when things aren’t working out the way one would expect.
As for myself, I’m still in Toronto with my lovely woman, and shall be spending the next year or two paying off the debt I’ve accumulated during the last 4 years in TRW.
If TRW does continue, it shall do it with out me.
Do not take that last sentence as if I have any regret being in the band for the last 9.5 years (fun fact: “Selfish Nature” was written in 2005). There once was a time when I was happy, and somewhere along the line that happiness turned into emotionally withdrawn towards my bandmates, personality clashes, and absolute anger during certain conversations.
I’m nothing but thankful for the experiences I’ve had. The tours with Dope Stars, Bile, and Cyanotic in the U.S./Canada; attending two Cold Waves festivals, and performing in one; opening for Hanzel Und Gretyl in Edmonton; Playing with 16Volt at a couple of shows; and meeting/touring with Left Spine Down (which kickstarted the association with industrial music TRW would have). Being a fan of KMFDM since 1995, and getting right into the whole genre since high school, to then achieving the above listed, is such a great feeling.
I also can’t forget the many floors, couches, and sometimes beds I’d be able to sleep on, and the meals cooked for us, thanks to the hospitality of people we’d meet! You know who you are. If there’s hope for the human race, as a weary traveller, you’ll find it on the road!
I’m not finished with music as I have a need to create, and have a notebook that I’m filling up with ideas. I’m looking forward to recording music about “The Things I Like”.
I’ll end this with a quote I saw in a newspaper about Craig Ferguson leaving The Late Late Show…
Here’s to the future.
It’s times like these when I wish I was a visual artist.
My second float at Float Toronto, was a 2 hour session, thanks to their 11pm appointments that go until their 1AM close schedule. I’m not sure if I was hungry or what (I hadn’t eaten since 5pm), but I came in with a slight stomach pain, and it became so unbearable that I ended up having to come out of the tank, coincidentally, a couple of minutes before my time was up. There was a point where when I was floating I could feel my veins just throb. It was really weird, but interesting.
Coming into it, I felt like I already knew the score. I said aloud in the tank, “Alright, let’s see some shit!”. I relaxed my body, breathed slowly, and concentrated on my thoughts. I started trying to peel the layers of the random ‘ghosting’ my eyes produced while getting used to the darkness. There was a point where I could get almost complete darkness, and I could almost see the starry night sky.
Then I saw this:
Layers of black translucent wires, with cascading colours of electricity flowing through them. They didn’t seem like giant walls, just as if I was looking through a very small area, peeking at them.
Another scene I saw was a yellow planet, with a desert horizon, one mesa at the right, and two moons. See the top image of my terrible drawing of it. This appeared for a couple of seconds.
At this point, I must say that these things I’ve seen are not things I made up as I went. I didn’t create these things by thinking about them. They just came to me.
Now, the most vivid was a sequence of alien races. I think I saw a sequence of 5 different races. One race looked sinister, looked right back at me, and was going to consume me. It had red eyes, and a grin with sharp teeth. I saw a friendly looking face, with giant ears, and a big nose, who looked like a humbled old man. The most astounding vision was of a small group of indigo blue aliens, broad shouldered, and what looked like wooden-textured skin. They wore technologically advanced shoulder/chest mounts, and stood proud underneath a beautiful night sky!
Do these things exist in this universe? In another? Or merely in my universe of creativity, and imagination?
Being in the tank for 2 hours, yielded only maybe 2 minutes of these collected visions for me. I’m not sure how time works in these moments of visions, but I could only imagine being a person of spiritual/meditative strength could garner much more concentration with these kinds of images.
Other than the mind trips, coming out of the tank feels great. I had to get up for 6:30AM the next morning, and after coming home and getting to bed at 2:30AM, the 4 hours were not a burden on my body.
You guys, I’m seriously loving this floating thing. I got one more float session left (with the package I got), but its going to have to wait until after this tour with The Rabid Whole. Too much stuff to do these next 2 weeks, but if I can, I’ll see if I can squeeze it in before we go.
Thanks for reading these. It just felt natural for me.
Last night I had the pleasure of visiting Toronto’s brand new isolation tank-spa (is that the right term?), called Float Toronto. I won’t bore anyone with the tech, but if you’re curious to know exactly what “floating” is, just check it out on Wikipedia. This was my first float I’ve ever done, and was really looking forward to it for the last couple of months.
Once I got showered up, and dimmed the room’s light, I got in.
It took me a few minutes to get relaxed, and ricochet myself off the edges of the tank enough so I was perfectly centered, and not touching anything. It feels great to float in really shallow water, thanks to the epsom salts.
I played with closing my eyes for a bit to see the difference of the darkness vs. my eyes closed, and there was none. You know how when you close your eyes and you see the ghosting of everything you’ve been looking at? Well, I just stared at them, and breathed really slow. After whatever amount of time of doing that, I saw an orange-chromed alien space ship with multi-coloured lights, which also looked like an orange slice (because the panels on the ship looked like sections of an orange). I saw this for what seemed like a split second, and then all the ghosting in my eyes slowly turned into a dark grey shape. This shape revealed itself as flower petals, that I was witnessing from the inside. I watched these petals bloom outward, as I watched dark grey spores float upward, away from me. Then a short time later, I’m pretty sure I fell asleep for the rest of the float. I forget the dream, but I only remember seeing my brother when we were just kids (like 7 or 8 yrs. old), this is something I’ve never remembered dreaming of before. I woke up to the sound of music, which Float Toronto uses to let people know it’s the end of the session. The music I didn’t like, until I realized sometime after it reminded me of the title screen music from the first Mass Effect game.
Waking up felt sort of strange. I knew I was asleep but when I opened my eyes it was still dark. I got up, and awkwardly opened the door. Stepping out of the tank was like when you see those guys in Sci-Fi movies come out of their stasis pods, and are all like “ughhh…fuuuuuck”. I say this because even with the very dimmed lights in the room, I felt pretty sensitive. I blindly made my 3-step motion to the shower for a good post-float scrub down, and started getting used to gravity, and light again.
After leaving the spa, I looked at Queen St. W. with fresh eyes, and the environment seemed new again. I put on some Com Truise in my ears, and started to groove on the beats, thinking about what I saw and dreamed about, and made notes so I wouldn’t forget. On the bus I quickly became annoyed at all the noise going on. I felt like it was all unnecessary, and everyone should just shut-up. I got home safe, and was thinking about how I should tell my lady the crazy stuff I saw.
I must say this was a great experience, and made me appreciate true peace and quiet, with no gravity pulling me down. It was a natural high, and soaking in the water left my skin on my butt nice and soft. Yeah. That’s right.
I want to thank Float Toronto for being super nice, and accommodating. I’m looking forward to my next 2 floats!
I have to write this down and share it with you.
I dreamed I was Spiderman. The whole universe was coming to an end. The city I was in was having some sort of reality distortion thing happen, where the law of physics were haywire. I had to consult Galactus and The Silver Surfer as to what could be done to save it. They pointed me to the direction of some supreme being, and the only way to reach this being was to sit in a bathtub and sprinkle this white powder into it. I end up in this house with a black and white checkered floor (still in the tub), that when I looked outside the window I could see the universe as a yellow dot with a growing black blotch in the middle of it. An old man appears that looks like an old Filipino man I worked with a couple of years ago (in real life), and after a short conversation I say:
“Well, that just means that life is suffering.”
He smiles, nods and says “You got it.”
I end up back on Earth, and the universe is saved.
Then I woke up.